Why my blog is private...

NOTE:  I have gone back and forth on putting the majority of the text into this post. I really wanted to share my thoughts, but didn't want to come off sounding like a victim. As you read this post, know that I did make the choice to become a full-time mother because that is what I wanted. I am eternally grateful that I have the blessing of actually being able to make that choice. I know there are many many women who would make amazing mothers and are desperately longing to have children of their own. To those women, I hope you do not take offense to my venting. I love my life. I love my children. I know I am blessed. Sometimes it just feels good to let it all out and for me, I really find comfort in reading or hearing about other women who go through struggles and how they work through them. That is the purpose of this post. I don't mean to complain or seem ungrateful. . . and on that note - here is the original text:

I'm not a fan of having a private blog. Mitch asked me to make the blog private years ago, but I refused until we moved to Chicago. Private blogs feel so restrictive to me. The privacy setting make it hard for people like my own mother to log in and see the posts that illustrate what we are up to. Maybe it's because I am a total blog stalker and love to read the blogs of people that I don't know very well or at all...

Anyway, this is one post that I am grateful that I have a list of people who have permission to view my blog. That way, if I get reported for the content I am about to reveal, I know who to go after. :) That being said, I am also writing this post after a week that has provoked a great deal of thought and retrospect into my life and what I am doing. In other words, I am going to vent to the perfect audience. An audience that won't interrupt and won't give me any judgmental looks. And I can decide to approve or not approve comments at my own discretion.  :)

Last week I led the discussion in Relief Society. The lesson was from The Teachings of Lorenzo Snow (Chapter 9 - Sacred Family Relationships). The sisters in my ward are particularly wonderful at participating and sharing their own thoughts which made such a positive impact on how the discussion went in class. 

The entire lesson is one that I think to be of enormous importance, but this was the question that seemed to provoke the most participation: 

How can we encourage our youth to have the desire to marry and to have children in a society that views children as an encumbrance and marriage as a formality? 

The discussion was wonderful and had a great deal of variety in responses. I wish I could list them all, but ironically, since it was Mother's Day, the comments that seemed to really sting and stick with me were from the women whose children were now adults. They kept reminding us young mothers how precious and sweet this time of our lives is and how we need to really treasure it. Over and over I've heard women say how much I will miss these days of babies and toddlers.

I have to be perfectly honest, I had to fight the urge to tell these women they were all suffering from amnesia. If they could come to my house and spend a week with 3 children ages 4 and under, they might want to eat their words - and my children. The next day, I had an extremely difficult day with my Benjamin. By the time Mitch made it home at 11pm that evening, I was beside myself. The minute he walked in the door, I exclaimed "So this is as good as it gets!? It is all downhill from here? Because I can't think of anything more discouraging than the thought of failing even more than I did today." Mitch knew exactly what to say... just kidding. There is probably nothing that could have been said. I was tired, it was late and I was too emotional to reason with.

As the week progressed I had even more challenges. Just to give you some good mental pictures, Ben decided to use the blinds in the basement to "swing into spring" and tore them right out of the wall. Lydia tried to entertain her baby sister by climbing up and finding a steak knife and handing it to Rachel by the blade. Fortunately, I was steps away and retrieved the blade before any real damage could occur, but inflicted damage of my own as I screamed in panic at my 2 year old daughter for being so "careless". Yes, I realize I was the one who was reckless enough to leave the 2 babies alone - even if it was for only a few seconds. Obviously, I'm bringing up the worst events of the week and they seemed to be blinding me. 

Are you ready for my big epiphany? Well, don't hold your breath. I haven't figured out any miraculous answer to keeping a balanced perspective. I didn't have an overwhelming experience that just made me realize how perfect my life is. What did happen was I kept going. For every big Mommy Meltdown, I tried to keep reassuring my kids what good boys and girls they were and repeat over and over that I love them. As much as I wanted to just stay in bed while Mitch was home on Saturday morning, I got up, got ready and it ended up being a beautiful day full of quality time with my precious family. 

Sunday morning, when Ben woke up with a fever, I could have easily said that I needed to stay home with my sick baby boy, but I didn't. Somewhere along the road I learned that on the days I don't want to go to church are the days I need to go the very most. I came away feeling uplifted and a little more motivated to do better. 

Finally, as I prepared to share some pictures and videos on this blog, I looked at the images of my children and had a small glimpse of what those women were talking about in Relief Society. I looked into the sweet, innocent faces of my children and I saw joy. I felt joy. The love I have for those little people is more powerful and overwhelming than anything I ever imagined possible. Being a mother has given me a small glimpse into how much my Heavenly Father must love me. What a humbling thought that is. 

Obsessed with picking these weeds! He begs me to stop the car if he sees a big patch of yellow dandelions.  

This was one of the best Mother's Day surprises I've had. We got a phone call on our way home from church from Alli who was in Chicago on a layover and needed a place to sleep! That Lydia felt like all her prayers and conversations with Jesus had been answered (I'm not being sacrilegious  Lydia talks to Jesus all the time. She talks to him like she talks to me and she is always saying, "Mom, where is Jesus? I need to find him.")

My little spy monkey. He and I made this para scope so he could spy on people. 

The story behind this garage is that the wife left one Saturday morning asking her husband to make sure the garage was painted before she returned. He let his daughter pick the color and this is what she came home to. Every time we walk by this door Lydia asks, "Where's the pink one, Mom?"

I do love these kids and feel blessed to be their mother. Don't let the negativity in this post get to you. I just haven't had a good burger in a while...

The Island of Enchantment

Here's a history lesson for you. Mitch and I grew up less than 3 miles apart. We attended Jr High and High School together. Our Senior year in High School, Mitch and I both served as Student Body Officers with the group of yahoos below:

I love this group of people. You see Mitch and I up there at the top. Not sure what Mitch is up to in that picture, but look below him at the fellow with the white arrow pointing to his head. That's Brandon. 

Over the years, I have done a lot of odd little jobs for Brandon. I will get phone calls and emails asking me to make it look like his friend is at a strip club having his identity stolen or put a girl next to him in a photo kissing his cheek etc etc. One particular piece of work caught the eye of a strapping JetBlue professional. Somehow he was able to incorporated my masterpiece into a JetBlue presentation of sorts. I'll spare you all of the little details, (mostly because I don't know them) but the important part is that this exceptional young man was able to reward my talent with some free JetBlue buddy passes.

Who is this wonderful man? Allow me to introduce Rhett.

He does bear a striking resemblance to Brandon, doesn't he? It's almost as though they are related :)

Anyway,  when Brandon called and told me that Rhett was able to give us these passes, he also informed me we only had about 3 weeks to use them. I was elated, but extremely doubtful we would be able to go on a trip with such little time to plan for it. Mitch was working long hours and it just seemed unlikely he would be able to break away any time soon. Then there was the matter of my children. Who could I ask to care for them while I soak up the sun on white sandy beaches?

Grandma, of course. 

Bless my mother's heart, with only a week's notice, she was willing to drop everything and fly out to spend 4 nights with my little crazies in the big bad city. And you want to know the really sad part? My kids didn't shed a tear when I walked out the door for my vacation, but when we dropped Grandma off at the airport, you would have thought they were at her funeral. They screamed and cried the entire ride home...

So the stars aligned and we were able to use those wonderful buddy passes to go to The Island of Enchantment, Puerto Rico. Free of responsibilities for a few days.

You know what they say, size matters. When deciding where to go, we kept that in mind and picked the absolute largest resort we could find on that small island. El Conquistador Golf Resort (all of the large buildings are all part of the resort. We even had to ride a gondola to get to our room.

The truth is, we actually took the last room available on the island, as it would seem. 

As you enter the lobby, you are greeted by a few exotic birds. This is Chuckles... or Giggles - I can't remember which. Either way, we looked like idiots trying to get that bird to giggle and the only chuckles I heard were from people walking by us.

I could get used to waking up every morning to this view.

The first day we spent on the resorts private island where we baked like lobsters. We laid on the beach, swam, played beach games and even rented wave runners. It was as fantastic as it sounds. 

Even when we were shivering that night in 90 degree weather from our sun burns, we were loving it.

After a wonderful nights sleep, we woke up the next morning a little hesitant to spend as much time in the sun

We decided the spa was the destination for the day. We enjoyed the steam rooms and the hot tubs and even had a couples massage. After that we hung out at the pool side and read our books for the remainder of the afternoon. That night we went on Bio Bay Kayaking tour. I felt like I was in the movie Avatar. In certain areas of the ocean, you can find these molecules that actually glow when they react with oxygen. So when you stick your hand in the water, the water around it glows.

(we couldn't take our camera, but if we were to jump in the water, this is what it would look like.)



This is the only picture we have and it is kind of telling, actually. See how determined Mitch is? Well, apparently this Kayaking tour was a kayaking competition. Nobody else knew it, but it was a race to the finish line and Mitch was determined to win. We had to pass everyone in our group at all costs!

The only problem with our great and spacious resort was that they trap you in. It is right on the coast and the golf course is between you and the rest of the island. To get to the nearest restaurant is like a 2 mile walk and even then, you'd probably get lost because the streets don't have any signs! That just means that you have to eat at their restaurants and if you want to buy anything, it has to be from the resort. For my foodie siblings, the food was not that great at this place. Their rice and beans were amazing, but that was about it. Everything was average, at best and was even more overpriced than Disney Land.

We decided on our final day on the island to rent a car and drive up to Old San Juan.

We toured the old forts and dined at one of the local restaurants (which was really amazing and MUCH cheaper than the food we had been eating).
On our way back to the resort, we stopped by a local grocery store. It was an unusual one, pretty unique to the island, I'm sure. They called it Walmart. There, we picked up a gallon of milk and some cereal. It was a royal feast!

And when we returned, we were delighted to find the Tulip Festival in our home. 

(Can you find the hidden Angry Bird that Benjamin put in the picture?)

The trip was delightful and I cannot thank Rhett, Brandon and especially my mom for making it possible.